I feel like travel ruined everything … it took my life, it spun it around and left me hanging – dangling over a cliff of uncertainty with a hollow feeling of dread, confusion and a … SO NOW WHAT?!
It wasn’t meant to be this way, it wasn’t meant to feel this way – it was meant to be uplifting – it was meant to be inspiring – it was meant to be the greatest thing a person could do – to travel far and distant lands, explore the depth of unique cultures and come back with a new view on the world, ready to inspire and challenge the slaves of the system to stand up and fly …
But where is the welcome parade … where is the curiosity … where are the questions, where is … ?
Every best friend has moved on, every personal connection point broken, every aspect of my current life a gigantic circle struggling to fit into the square of societies expectations.
They all said: I was blessed, I was lucky, I was doing what they wished they could … but then where are they all now? It seems like they’re all locked up behind closed doors of conditioned bullshit afraid to let me in – what are they afraid of? the truth?
This feeling within scares, yet intrigues me, and of course I know it’s not their fault – I made this choice, I chose to leave and explore the world leaving everything behind – so for that I have to step up, take responsibility, and start again.
Travel is an high octane, turbo-charged experience, so imagine taking that experience and stretching it out over 9 years without stopping for a breath?
Yes I haven’t been “home” in over 9 years – the world became my home, it became my playground, it became my life, it became my EVERYTHING for 9 years – but then what do you think happens when you take that experience away from someone – do you expect them to carry on as though nothing changed? now we start to understand that feeling within.
While I am still not home, I have decided to settle down to try and make a new home in Sweden. I didn’t expect it would be like this – I didn’t expect it to be this empty – but thinking about it – how else could I expect it to feel?
The last time I was settled down was 9 years ago … and then I was a mental fucked little kid with no idea in the world – my reference experience for this situation is non-existent apart from using 9 year old conditioning, which is what I am feeling creeping up inside.
I have noticed so many old shitty thought patterns showing up again, ones which I thought were long gone, but are now been brought to the surface, teasing and tempting me to play – no thanks!
Traveling the world has taught me everything, yet it feels like nothing at the same time – I know I have to take one step at a time, peel back the layers of confusion and search for the answers to my current situation – a situation, I didn’t expect would end up feeling like this.
I know everything starts from within – my feeling, my thoughts, my life, my view on the world but that doesn’t make it any easier for me to wake up and go to sleep knowing that each day will look and be the same as the day before.
Basically, travel made me a stimulation junkie – a new city here, a new meal there, new friends here, a new country around the corner – poke, poke, poke – always distracting me from me – giving me everything while at the same time nothing at all.
Don’t get me wrong – I love loVE LOVE travel – travel helped me become everything I am today, and I LOVE the person I have become – still working from my bed, still free, still waking up next to the girl of my dreams, but that doesn’t mean this adjustment should be easy – that doesn’t mean that I am not allowed to feeling this way right?
I know this is part of the process, part of Life – taking my travel square and remoulding it into the circle of a settled life … well a new version of that settled life 😉